I'm not the first person to have a problem with the seemingly finite limit on existence.  It has been bubbling up more than less this past year.  It's not really my approach towards 40 that's driving it, but I think in general it's a thought that will come back time and again as I march forward towards whatever comes next.

Growing up I was raised Catholic.  Growing out, I became Christian, then even more generalized Christian as I kept expanding what I believed to include all of humanity no matter their belief systems.  It became unfathomable to me that something would create this and then play favourites when it came to the circumstance of the location and situation of your birth.

Of course, a mind forever wandering had to keep thinking past that, to the likelihood that we would have been specially created at all by some deity as identified in almost all scriptures as being extremely unlikely (Though it would make a lot more sense if there were gods, and they were as spiteful and humanly flawed as those of Norse and Greek origin stories).

So I grew into secularism through the crucible of a bit of a short-circuit and 3-month intense depression that led me to conclude that there's nothing I can do about what the reality of the situation is.  At the time I made a deal with myself to at least try to find God again before I die.  I'm thinking that I'm going to have to rest on my poetic license in order for that to be possible.

As it stands, I think life is a beautiful and ugly thing.  I think it's a symphony of triumph over overwhelming odds, as well as a remarkable dance that continues to play out within the matter web in which we find ourselves.  I think it's largely a thing in which we play a very small part.

I believe in the continued existence of humanity.  I know we have and continue to do terrible things to our planet and each other, but I continue to see and hold on to moments of hope as to our future and what we could become.

I believe that I need to wrap this up and get on with my day.   I guess I just wanted to give some context to my thought processes.  Some context into myself.  My core was forged in Christianity, and tempered by my growth into the secular and athiestic space as well as research into other religions of the world as I've gone.  My upbringing in Christianity has left me with some of the trappings of someone having started there.  It's formed my politics, though I know that there are many I largely politically disagree with who say the same in the world.  I guess it goes to show you how important interpretation is when mapping to a belief system.

I guess I'll go for now, my point other than the context on my core, is that I'm dealing with it again lately.  Thinking about the finite number line of our existence.  Thinking about how far I'll be able to throw a softball into the void when I get to the edge.