All signs point back to 2012, when I completed NaNoWriMo for the first (and last so far) time. It was a lesson in what is possible if you do a little bit every day, and if you sacrifice a little time each day in a singular pursuit. To spit out 50,000 words in 30 days felt magnificent.
In an edit, I feel like at least half of them would find the chopping block, but out of that carnage would be the makings of something. Certainly more than the nothing that existed before except as firings of neurons in my brain.
It's not immortality, to create something. It's firing an arrow from the edge of a chasm to see how far it will go. It's tying a message to that arrow that others can read and enjoy, or read and learn from, or read and reject. It's reaching beyond a time and place where normal reaching would be concluded.
Still, I enjoy the process of creation. A bit of a fuck you to entropy and thermal dynamics. While those grasping hands might eventually pluck the arrow from its path, A bit of creation, driven by energy that has already been repurposed, makes me feel some gratitude and glee.
My problem right now stems from parenthood and marriage and trying to adjust to the demands of my muse and my passionate focus when it comes. My passionate focus is greedy. In the past, when childless and without partner I would be able to give myself over to my passion whenever it called. My adjustment now to a different way is still ongoing. I'm trying to harness my passion to fit in with my current existence where I cannot drop everything at any time. I've chosen that my family comes first, but I'd like to mitigate the damage to my passionate focus as much as possible.
I think the above is something I've been struggling with, and I know I'm not alone. Trying to find the balance of weights and measures to allow for thriving creativity alongside the parenthood and partnership that I find enriching and endlessly rewarding is where my focus currently sits.
I suppose it's only a matter of time.
I just hope that in a timely manner, a decent balance will surface once again now that our youngest is coming out of the super dependant phase of year 1 and heading into the much more mobile phase of year 2.